The Rise of "Situationships": Why Are Committed Relationships Declining?

Many people find themselves in what are sometimes called "situationships," or unclear and uncertain partnerships. Unlike casual flings or conventional committed relationships, these relationships can lack defined limits, therefore leaving neither person feeling completely single nor totally committed. Working as a Marriage and Family Therapist, I have seen more and more clients struggling with the emotional complexity these non-committal relationships bring. This post will look at why committed relationships seem to be declining, how dating apps impact current relationship dynamics, and how attachment theory fits into these new relational paradigms.

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What Exactly Is a Situationship?

A situationship is typically defined as an informal arrangement where two people maintain some level of intimacy—emotional, physical, or both—without establishing clear labels or long-term expectations. Rather than discussing commitments or future plans, the pair may float along in a perpetual state of ambiguity.
Key Characteristics

• The absence of a certain commitment or exclusivity
• Unpredictable intimacy and inconsistent communication
• Unclear boundaries regarding emotional and physical intimacy

In a 2021 article in Psychology Today, Dr. Elizabeth Freedman notes that while situationships can offer flexibility and independence, they often come with heightened anxiety and uncertainty for at least one partner (Freedman, 2021).

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Modern Relationship Dynamics & Dating Apps

Dating apps such as Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge have transformed the way people meet and interact. According to a 2020 survey by the Pew Research Center, 30% of U.S. adults had used a dating site or app within the past year—an all-time high (Pew Research Center, 2020). The ease of scrolling can result in a sense of limitless possibilities, which can make users less likely to commit to a long-term relationship.

The Paradox of Choice
Psychologist Barry Schwartz famously wrote about the “paradox of choice,” suggesting that more options can lead to less satisfaction and more regret (Schwartz, 2004). In the context of dating apps, the abundance of potential matches can foster a “grass is greener” mentality, where individuals hesitate to commit out of fear they might miss someone “better.”

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Commitment Phobia and Cultural Shifts

Cultural and economic factors may also be relevant, in addition to technology. The notion of settling down may appear premature to numerous young adults who prioritize freedom of choice, financial stability, and careers. Additionally, some individuals might have recollections of their parents' divorce, their parents’ tense relationship, or their own difficult breakups, which can contribute to their resistance to long-term commitment. 

• Postponing Marriage: People are marrying later or choosing not to marry at all, a trend noted in the Journal of Marriage and Family (Smock & Schwartz, 2020).
  
• Changing Values: Societal emphasis on self-fulfillment and personal growth can conflict with the perceived compromises of committed relationships.
  

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Attachment Theory Insights

Attachment theory, pioneered by John Bowlby (1982) and later expanded by researchers like Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller (2012), explains how early life bonding patterns influence our adult romantic relationships.

• Secure Attachment: Individuals with secure attachment styles generally feel comfortable with intimacy and seek healthy levels of closeness and independence.
  
• Anxious Attachment: These individuals often worry about abandonment, craving frequent reassurance. They might stay in situationships hoping for them to evolve into something more.
  
• Avoidant Attachment: People with avoidant tendencies may fear losing independence or feeling “trapped.” Situationships can feel safer than the perceived constraints of commitment.
  

In their book Attached, Levine and Heller argue that recognizing your attachment style—and that of your partner—can help you navigate the emotional push-pull often seen in modern dating (Levine & Heller, 2012).

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The Emotional Toll of Ambiguity

Situationships often come with a distinct emotional burden. While the lack of formal commitment can feel liberating initially, the ongoing ambiguity can trigger stress, insecurity, or confusion.

• Uncertain Expectations: You may not know if you can rely on your partner during difficult times.
  
• Unequal Investment: One person might start developing deeper feelings, while the other remains ambivalent.
  
• Emotional Turbulence: The on-again, off-again nature of situationships can undermine self-esteem and emotional well-being over time.
  

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Practical Guidance for Navigating Situationships

If you believe you are in a situationship or wish to prevent it, the following are some practical suggestions:

1. Self-Reflection:
   Consider your genuine desires in a romantic partnership. Do you aspire to have a committed companion or are you seeking a fun experience without any obligations?
   
2. Open Communication:
   Discuss the question of "What are we?" as soon as possible. Although it may be uncomfortable, protracted confusion is frequently avoided through clear communication.
   
3. Set Boundaries:
   Choose the extent of your tolerance. It may be a signal to take a step back if sporadic communication or ambiguous commitment levels cause you anxiety.
   
4. Assess Attachment Styles:
   Examine whether your comfort level with situational relationships is influenced by your personal attachment style. If you are experiencing anxiety, attempt to identify patterns of requesting reassurance that are not being met.
   
5. Seek Professional Help:
   A therapist can provide you with objective insights and strategies to assist you in identifying your relational objectives and preserving your emotional well-being.
   

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Situationships mirror the more general cultural trends and technical advances affecting modern romance. Although they might provide brief freedom and excitement, they sometimes leave people feeling emotionally vulnerable and confused. Understanding how attachment types and society elements affect commitment will help you decide which relationships you want and whether or not a situationally based approach really fits your long-term well-being.

You are not alone if you find yourself battling in a “situationship” or any complex relationship interaction. Speaking with a mental health expert can provide insight, assist you in establishing reasonable limits, and direct you toward satisfying relationship experiences.

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References:

• Bowlby, J. (1982). Attachment and Loss: Volume 1. Attachment (2nd ed.). Basic Books.
• Freedman, E. (2021, May 15). The "Situationship": Non-committal relationship or modern love trap? Psychology Today.
• Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2012). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love. TarcherPerigee.
• Pew Research Center. (2020). 30% of U.S. adults say they have used a dating site or app.
• Schwartz, B. (2004). The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less. Ecco.
• Smock, P. J., & Schwartz, C. R. (2020). The demography of families: A review of patterns and change. Journal of Marriage and Family, 82(1), 9–13.​